Giving Up Porn
Here’s something we never talk about. We need to. This is mostly aimed toward the men out there, but it’s important for women to know as well (and for all I know, female porn addiction could be a thing, too). Our generation is struggling with a pervasive, subtle (or not-so-subtle), and destructive porn addiction. Internet porn has slowly become ubiquitous and accepted as part of our society. So many men watch porn that researchers can’t study it because no control group (i.e. non-consumers) exists. The effects of high-speed access to porn are rarely examined by the user. We just assume that it will continue to be part of our lives.
Here’s the problem: internet porn is terrible for our minds. Here’s a fifteen-minute video that will do a better job describing the science and implications than I can. Watch it. It might be fifteen minutes that change your life. The following is my take on it, and my personal experience of giving up porn.
The basic idea is that having fast, unlimited access to “new mates,” in the form of online porn, trains our brains through dopamine response to become desensitized to real-life experiences and to continually seek novelty. Porn becomes better than sex. It is easily available all the time, so our drive to seek pleasure through meaningful action and fulfilling relationships slowly deteriorates. This is particularly devastating for young brains, as they are establishing some of these habits and sexual expectations for the first time. I feel lucky to be part of the last generation raised without cell phones and instant connectivity.
Not having a cell phone or broadband internet until college may have shielded me from the worst of what porn has to offer, but I haven’t been exempt, either. I’ve been watching porn regularly since sometime in college (and infrequently before that). Although I’ve never gotten to the point of feeling like it was taking over my life, today is probably the first time in a decade I’ve gone a month totally porn-free, aside from when traveling abroad. My conversations and experiences point to this being a fairly common usage pattern among men my age and younger (I’m 30). I know people who have gone much deeper into a porn addiction, and it can truly be just as bad as a drug addiction. But even for those who are not seeking a daily (or multiple times daily) hit, the effects are still there, and porn is making our lives not-quite-as-good as they could be. Sometimes much worse. For years, I’ve felt just slightly detached from my relationships, not particularly drawn to intimacy, and inconsistent in my energy/positivity level. I always feel bad after I watch porn, and I don’t have any positive memories of using it. Talk about a massive waste of time.
About a month ago, I watched a few TED talks (links at the end) on what porn does to the brain, stumbled across a supportive online community, and decided I would try giving up porn and masturbation. In the last month I’ve become more committed to the task, improved my life, and realized that a lot of people are way deeper into the negativity of porn than I was. I have more energy, better focus, and I’m more interested in building all my relationships, whether romantic or not. The not-masturbating part of the transition is really tough (but important, I think, for strengthening the transformation), but I don’t miss porn at all. It turns out all I needed was the accountability of some strangers online to keep me from going back to it. The group I found was on reddit, but there are plenty of others out there if you hate reddit.
I have a lot of women friends who watch porn, and on some level they tend to find it empowering and exciting. Some of them are surprised that I quit porn, as they don’t see it as all that bad. The popularity and acceptance of things like the amateur adult film festival Humpfest attest to this. I’m not saying there isn’t validity to this perspective on porn. I can see how some kinds of porn could encourage personal growth through sexual confidence and ownership, and I can imagine circumstances in which the careful and intentional use of porn could strengthen a relationship. But I believe this interaction is fundamentally different from the typical vicious cycle of use and abuse men have with high-speed internet porn. So women, please be gentle and encouraging if you have male friends who are trying to give up porn.
Men: it’s time to give up porn. Seriously. Try it. You might not think you’re addicted, but then you might also find it impossible to go a week without wandering back to a porn site when you’re feeling bored or lonely. The research is out there. Nobody is going to regulate porn or make it harder to find. The industry is booming. It’s up to each of us individually to say “no,” and to reclaim our sexual energy. Your partner will thank you, and you will thank yourself. Do it now.
Here are some resources that can help:
TED talks:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRJ_QfP2mhU
More than I wanted to know, but glad to learn this in the aftermath rather than any other time. I totally agree about the way porn can interfere with relationships, and if you want to take a look at the old-fashioned side of this, Dear Abby is full of women lamenting the loss of their husbands’ and lovers’ attention when they get addicted to porn. It was a problem in the olden days of Playboy magazine too. Just so much more obtainable now. And getting away from the porn aspect, I think TV sitcoms have done the same for relationships…making it seem that everything was sweetness and light in the 1950’s, and that everything is fun, superficial, forgiveable and sarcastic these days. Seems like a part of human nature is to always seek the easy route.
Haha, sorry Mom. I decided I needed to start writing as if you weren’t reading these. Part of the creative process, which I’m pretty sure you know all about =).
First of all, the above comment-conversation is hilarious.
Secondly, this post is really interesting. I have indeed encountered men with (what I consider) unrealistic expectations of what their partners should do or be into. I think way too many people are sexually repressed, and, while porn can seem like a liberating force, in reality, it often functions to keep a person removed; instead of freeing the person, it serves to repress him/her even further. Then again, watching other people engage in creative sex acts (a gentle way of describing porn) might be a (safe!) first step in someone’s sexual awakening. I think it depends on the person and his/her history with sex.
A provocative and evocative post indeed!
Agree/disagree. As with all things, it can be taken to extremes. But there is (admittedly exception to the rule) sex and person-positive porn (Dan Savage maintains a list of the good guys). And there’s literotica.com, a great purely imaginative way to indulge.
Periods of sublimation are definitely healthy and can lead to substantial growth and achievement, both internal and external. Porn generally seems to be a suck on positive energy that could be better directed, not to mention the damage it can do on a persons real life relationship expectations. I’m not sure I would put masturbation on the chopping block, but as a creative individual I’ve found that abstaining certainly can feed ones imagination and result in creative breakthroughs. This is a very good read.